another heart calls

O.


you are not worth it. not one of my words. not one of my thoughts.


S.

Ghost in the machine

tell me where am i supposed to go? tell me who am i supposed to believe? 

if only u knew what i know, then u could see just what i see

so i grab my bags and go, as far away as i can go

cos everything ain't what i used to know

and i try to hide but i just can't hide no more

there's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost!

you are back?...
|...|
words which seemd to be so unreal just when i arrived, but now, more and more, i actually get here. 
finally, i guess...
I am glad to be back, i missed my friends, my family, i think i even missed school (that changed again tho!) haha. but of course life wouldnt be life if there wasn't a dark side. and sometimes it feels like i'm suffocating. 


while i was packing my stuff on saturday evening, i didnt actually realize that i was gna leave the next day. ppl around me were crying, yes, but i didnt, i couldnt, i didnt understand. but i did, when the plane departed from waikenae airport on sunday. the picture of my family- Sara, Laura, Stefania & Natelie- standing there, grabbing the fence, crying like there 'd be no tomorrow, broke my heart. I've never felt this before, and it was awful. it was that bad, that i couldnt eat nomore for over one day, actually i kinda lost the ability of doing anything at all. i was sitting in the plane, crying, i felt empty. I couldnt even read their letters they wrote to say 'goodbye'. (i still havent read all of them yet, it hurts too much, i have read parts of each, but i've never managed to read the whole ones... i will though!)
it got less awful as soon as i saw my mom, for the first time after 9 awfully-long months...finally, finally she could put her arms around me again, and i felt safe again.
i wouldn't know what to do without my parents. i love you mom & dad. the same with Carmen. i was lost without her. |laughs| she's my all, my one & only.

& now, weeks later? 
|...|
life changed, i guess. well i kinda got my old life back you know, haha, my friends are still the same here, (well not quite actually)..but they r awesome, lovely & caring, beautiful & anyways, they r my friends, that explains it at all ae? ;) haha. <3 i love you guys, every one of you!
|thinks| Miette is missing though. it feels wrong/weird to be here without her, she got such a huge part of my life during this one school year before my exchange, so that it is hard now, to settle back in, while she is still abroad, but actually i know, she's always really close to me, no matter what. i can't wait to see her again. |smiles|
and school? school is just school, it sucks, we all know that, but we still do it ae. haha, 'auge zue& dure'. 
yea, struggeling but trying really hard, haha, it will be allgoods eventually! (: and sometimes |laughs| school even has its good sides...!
i think that i will start to dance agian, ballet, maybe burlesque...but definitely ballet. i feel uncomplete without my points and the feeling of being free, while dancing. haha.
what else do you want me to tell you?


well, what about this special friend? |smiles|
maybe if i'd still be in new zealand he would still be writing... I don't know.


Oh, I see... |...|
would you say that this year has changed you?
Yes! it changed me, my way of thinking, my way of seeing things, my way of understanding, it changed everything. it changed |...| my life.

what do you miss the most about New Zealand?
my girls, definitely! 
and the nature... New Zealand is such an amazingly beautiful country. and i guess i also miss all the crazy stuff i did there, like bungy jumping & swimming with dolphins.


& if you could turn back the time, and go back to the point where you made the decision of leaving,
what would you do?
exactly the same! i know i did the right thing. yes it was hard, and awful at times, sure still is, but deep inside i know it was right. i would do it again. |smiles|

' I would do exactly the same again'

the last question; are you happy?
|laughs| haha, always! ...
even with tears in my eyes. |looks down, tear running down her cheek|


Thank you Sabrina
Anytime.


... (:

xoxo